It’s quiet around here.

I’m back in the city temporarily for work. Dearest Claire and I are rooming together for the week, and it’s a strange place without the crew, profs, and daily routines that light up campus during the school year. I’ve left Julia the Roommate, Hebrews class, and Year 2 behind. And I have come out more reliant on Christ than ever.

It’s as though this year opened up a whole new level of depth inside my heart. Things seem more real, more three-dimensional, more important. I know how much more I need Jesus, and I have realized that I am united with him as his chosen child. As the church, I am a part of the collective bride of Christ, joined with him as one flesh. I have seen intercessory prayer answered as friends have experienced peace, clarity, and reassurance from the Lord. My own faith has grown as I’ve been put through some emotionally difficult situations with relationships, death, and the sinful choices of others. I have born witness to the faithfulness of God.

Even so, I don’t know what things look like in the future. I’m struggling with explaining God’s leading for ministry to others, and I sometimes have a hard time with explaining it to myself. What am I doing here, exactly? What kind of job is even out there for me? Do I even love/care about women in the church?

I was reading 2 Timothy on the train today. Paul says one thing that stands erect above all others: “Remember Jesus Christ, raised from the dead, descended from David…” (2:8). That’s where to start. I’m here for a purpose, and even if I don’t feel this blazing, yes-let’s-go fire, I can have confidence Jesus is here and hasn’t changed; he has defeated death; he has saved me; he is the author of history; he is the image of the Father; and he is Lord.

When we get tired, when I feel like there’s nothing for me to do, when I feel like everything has already been said or written and hasn’t made a difference, when I fear I’m doing this all wrong even though I’m fine, when I fear materialism will swallow me up and I’m tempted to bail and go live in a cave to know Christ more deeply but lol I don’t even feel like reading the Bible…

“…Be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus” (2 Tim 2:1).

Okay. Take a deep breath and start back here. Then see.