anxiety – Thoughts from Blue Eyes

“I have forgot much, Cynara! Gone with the wind…”

There are some teeny, tiny shadows of a wrinkle beginning to form under my eye.

Corbin says I’m being paranoid, and I agree with that statement – no one else can tell except me, I still look much younger than I really am. I have good genes and take care of my skin. It’s such a small thing.

It’s a sign, though, that the inevitable is happening. I am aging. Why am I surprised at this? After all, I’ve aged to my late twenties now. I have lived the transformation of child to teen to adult. What makes this transition weird or frightening?

I’ve aways said I want to age gracefully, to be shining with joy inside and out, never obsess over gray hair or crinkles and be beautiful in spirit even as my outward shell fades away. I’ve always told myself that I’m going to be fiercely committed to embracing my age

“I have forgot much, Cynara! Gone with the wind…”Kaitlyn2023-07-03T18:33:53+00:00

Lament // Waiting

I think it’s week 6 of my shelter-in-place/quarantine/coronavirus panic insanity? It’s a bit unsettling that I’ve somewhat lost track of the days. I’ve tried to keep track by baking something every weekend. But it’s blurry.

Our world is in chaos due to a tiny germ that broke out of the East and floated around the world on unsuspecting travelers. Many comparisons have been made to sin, the metaphors abound, talk of lament and prayer and reliance on the Lord are ABUNDANT. So many articles. Devotionals. Stories. I’m drunk on it, there’s too much to read, too many opinions, too m a n y t h o u g h ts.

The news is exploding. No one even remembers the Biden/Sanders primary race (was that really, juuuust a month or so ago?) There’s nothing else to say and nothing else to talk about. I know the names of a lot more governors and

Lament // WaitingKaitlyn2020-04-19T04:23:38+00:00

Dear Graduating Senior

My alma mater asked its grads to write a note of encouragement for all the graduating seniors this year, whose semesters were cut short by COVID-19. Below is what I sent – something pertinent, I think, to everyone who feels loss in this season of the coronavirus.

***

Dear Graduating Senior,

My heart is grieving with you during this bizarre, sad time. So many things that you were looking forward to and anticipating have suddenly been taken away due to circumstances you never could’ve imagined. I lament with you that you didn’t really get to say goodbye to your friends, people you’ve been walking through life with in an incredibly special way for the past years who have sharpened you and influenced you to love Jesus, who have been with you as you’ve wrestled and wondered, and now you won’t get to walk across that stage together and have a celebratory finale to

Dear Graduating SeniorKaitlyn2020-04-03T03:36:50+00:00

Proper Lives Lived

“‘Dear God,’ she prayed, ‘let me be something every minute of every hour of my life.’”
—Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

Her parents started a major missions organization that impacts thousands of Eastern European youth each year and has ignited a gospel hunger where the Iron Curtain once hung. Her mom wrote a book detailing the life story of their family and how the mission happened by God’s grace and leading. I am privileged to call this dear sister a very close friend. Her faith and contentment inspire me.

As I skimmed the memoir her mom wrote of saying “Yes” to God, I’ve been thinking about how every fiber of my being longs to live a life of “Yes”– to God’s plan, will, and promises.

The hard part about saying, “I surrender all” to God is that there’s a ton of suffering that accompanies that, because God uses trials to shape us,

Proper Lives LivedKaitlyn2019-10-08T02:29:18+00:00

Please Get Me a Bigger Box

I’ve recently noticed that I have a natural aversion to things I cannot figure out, pin down, hammer out. It stresses me out if I cannot put something in a box; life is so complex, this obviously is not a problem I can avoid. I am learning more to lean into the complicated rather than shying away, as this is where so much growth happens, but it’s not my favorite. It’s an intentional, arduous mental process for me as such a strategic thinker.

Perhaps that’s why, in an ironic way, I love studying the Bible so much. It’s like an eternal treasure chest that I can’t figure out. Instead of the stress that clutches me when I cannot wade through the loud forum of Protestant evangelical grey areas (here’s my latest), conversations about yet another thing the church should be doing, and arguments about race without a frustrated headache, I rejoice.

Please Get Me a Bigger BoxKaitlyn2016-07-28T03:32:47+00:00

Please Rescue Me from my Mind Palace

The black hole of my mind.

I can spend hours pondering my future, internalizing anxiety and trying to over-analyze my heart’s current state. I can become absorbed in replaying memories, following threads into tomorrow, running and racing and lying awake. I mope over my lack of Christian growth and how I’ll never be good enough to xyz. Everyone is always better, more equipped, more focused. I could never write anything worth reading, have a grip solid enough on the Scriptures, know enough to have a ministry job…

My mental energy is often wasted navel-gazing at my own self. I have wept often and begged God to help me overcome my anxious, over-stimulated mind that runs until it’s exhausted. Where is the peace that passes all understanding? Where is God in my anxiety? Why does my mind have to do this to me, preventing me from enjoying seasons and moments too many times?

Why can’t I just

Please Rescue Me from my Mind PalaceKaitlyn2016-07-25T02:41:19+00:00

Perhaps

“Great is Thy faithfulness,” the congregation sang. Worshiping at a historic church here in the City, I receive a weekly dose of beauty and hymnody. This morning, as I looked another semester square in the face and was wondering how long I’d be able to retain my mental capacities, I joined in singing these words.

“Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow…”

Anxiety is a crippling demon that drowns out the truth. Shutting out the reality that God is here and able prevents us, his children, from letting the peace of Christ rule richly in our lives (Col 3:15). We have peace that endureth, and we are united with the One who has bestowed pardon for sin.

The thing is, God always comes through. What does that mean? It means that he never fails and always does what is right. This could mean that he chooses not to rescue us from our

PerhapsKaitlyn2019-10-08T02:29:19+00:00