hello world, i haven’t written in *quite* some time and i’ve been feeling this itch building up in me lately to get some. form. of. words. OUT. i struggle with this feeling of “i need to write because i MUST record what’s happening in my life or else i’ll forget it and then blah blah blah” like there’s some kind of pressure to do it. but i’d rather write when i feel like there is actually something to say vs. some weird pressure i’m putting on myself to do it (which i am very good at doing and not so great at catching). so, i feel like there is something to be said today.
M y L i f e L a t e l y
I spent the afternoon baking today and it was lovely. We had nothing to do today – some friends were supposed to come over this morning for brunch but their kids got sick so ohhh nooooo I got to spend the entire day with my best friend making breakfast tacors and cake and reading at our favorite coffee shop and subsequently putzing around in 10 degree weather (I do love me a good putz around the neighborhood and poking into shops. Corbin, not so much. But he is enticeable if I promise coffee). I bought dried lavender to use in a lemon bar recipe that haunts my dreams and I re-read Molly Yeh’s cookbook again which I am kinda obsessed with but super disappointed because of how much rando swearing is in it.
We spent the first six weeks of 2022 trading illnesses and it was pretty wretched, and then I had sinus issues for a month after that, and now I’m just back to my normal achy self trying to muster the enthusiasm to quit eating so many carbs and attempt to lose some iota of weight before the Big Family Vacation in May.
CORBIN GOT A NEW JOB ptl so we are on the same schedule these days and it is joy joy joy joy joy. He’s been able to use his gifts and is now teaching a lot at church, too. And our small group is continuing and friendships are growing, and he and I are praying more and the world is heavy on our hearts. We’d like to move somewhere closer to work but nothing has worked out yet, so we’re hanging for now in our little shoebox on the NW side with our cornucopia of single male neighbors and the chainsmoker who lives in the garden unit.
I have come to terms with the fact that pizza is indeed my favorite meal and that I enjoy a good Starbucks oatmilk latte once in a while. I’ve laid in bed at night with songs running through my head (all soundtracks from musicals for some bizarro reason) thanking God that my husband is right there and that we have a warm house, and I’ve prayed hard for our lost family members and thought about what Jesus might have for us next. I’ve laughed and cried with coworkers as more of our church family pass into glory and we decorate another office for someone’s xxth birthday. I’ve coordinated financial support for Ukrainian refugees and missionaries updating their laptops while restocking our supply of Bibles and manning the front desk. I’ve loved my brother’s girlfriend and bought a new rug and cleaned out the pantry for the twentieth time. I helped start this semester’s Perspectives course at a sister church and dived back into God’s heart for the nations, a needed refresher. I’ve begun listening to the Bible on the sleepy train ride into work and have listened to our Maker’s passion for His people, sovereign guiding of history, and declarations of judgment for sin (gotta love minor prophets + the tales of the kings). And I’ve thought about the gospel and how glorious and freeing and happy it is to know Jesus, even the small tidbit that I do know about him despite all these years.
And I’ve been thinking. Each little thing I am doing now, at 26, will someday turn into a big thing. That big thing could mean a habit, a change in my body, a way of looking at something, a way of nourishing my soul or my marriage or a skill or a friendship xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Most of my life I’ve paralyzed myself by being afraid of “becoming” through these small things, e.g. “what if I make the wrong choice and it turns into a snowball of consequences” or “what if this is the last time I ever see so-and-so and therefore EVERYTHING COUNTS ALL THE TIME” or “I’m so afraid to waste any time in life because I’ll feel guilty and Jesus will be disappointed.” How exhausting.
Being in counseling again last fall helped me tremendously with shifting my perspective on a lot of things, especially how I see myself and how I see Christ. He has led me out from under that miserable cloud (also, yay drugs and doctors) and reminded me of the gospel through so many means. He has shown me that His love is deeper and He is nearer than I thought, and He has connected the sweet truths of Scripture down into my soul in ways they just weren’t before. He is aligning me more and leading me to love Him more. He is so good.
Also, life is nuts. There is literal WAR happening in Ukraine and gas prices are $5/gallon and groceries are crazy expensive and you can’t find a new car for less than a mortgage (okay maybe not that bad but it’s still insance) and oh hey, meanwhile I can name at least three other international crises taking place that everyone forgot about but still didn’t get resolved, and our bodies are breaking down and sin is dark
And the Lord is seated on His throne. And He is good and is here and the hearts of kings are like water in his hands. He is keeping His church and He is advancing the Kingdom, His rule and will in the earth despite what Satan may try to do.
The sun still shines! I was so encouraged by it today – all crisp and bright even though the city is freezing in a last-ditch effort by winter’s fingers.
So, know that we are praying and trusting Him, and no matter how scary it gets we are following the Great Shepherd because He knows what happens and is far from afraid.