I find myself asking God so many times in my life, “Lord, what are you teaching me with this? Why did you show me this? What is the reason why this happened?”

Today, I had training for the women’s ministry group I’m blessed to be a part of next year. We talked about discipleship by modeling Christ. We talked about the importance of reminding this campus of the Gospel and living our lives in humble, sacrificial, servant leadership. Essentially, I am so excited to be involved in this, especially the event planning part of things. God is eternally good to me, and I don’t deserve to be his child, let alone helping his other children closer to Him.

What a gift. What a privilege. God is teaching me way more than I could ever express or imagine and understand. He is teaching me that he is real, that I am loved, that I am forgiven, that I have brothers and sisters, and that I belong in his family. These are truths of the Gospel, the good news, and I struggle to live them out daily. My heart is continually torn between my flesh and my spirit. Living the life Jesus asks is a battle, not against flesh and blood but against spiritual things we cannot see. Darkness and light. Good and evil. Ephesians 6.

Tearing my hands and eyes and heart away from the things of this earth is the most difficult struggle we ever have to face, Do I run back to the drugs or do I run to my Bible? Do I cling to the refrigerator or do I cling to the truth? Do I fight, by the Spirit and grace of my Savior, or do I cave? Do I believe the lies that I need to change myself or be perfect in order to be loved by a man, or do I walk in the truth that I am exactly whom the Creator has made me to be?

Do I do what I ought to do? Or do I sin?

There is too much at stake to ignore these questions and do what “feels good.” Walking in the city alone at night may feel good and make me feel like an independent woman or whatever, but it’s stupid and can really hurt me in the end. The flesh ALWAYS feels good in the moment, but the rewards of tearing our heart away are greater in the end.

The rewards are greater. May I tear away my eyes and sit at the feet of Jesus, who is teaching me more than I could imagine about this life and the next.