on the brain – Thoughts from Blue Eyes

Rivers and Roads

I was crying in front of the TV last night. My first thought is that I’m a total weirdo, but then I just embraced it. Something had touched my heart in some way…probably important to embrace it and feel it. (And write about it, since I’m still thinking about it).

What was I watching? Ha – the comedy/romance/spy show, Chuck. I’m over ten years overdue from when the show came out, and I’m not a big TV person. But I ended up watching and getting hooked on it a couple months ago when Corbin suggested it.

My disclaimer about most shows I’ve seen is that I like parts, but won’t enthusiastically rewatch or 100% recommend due to various content issues. Chuck was no exception – some episodes were a little gritty.

Something different about this show, though, was how the characters grew and related to each other, especially the two mains, Chuck and Sarah.

Rivers and RoadsKaitlyn2023-09-22T18:02:15+00:00

“I have forgot much, Cynara! Gone with the wind…”

There are some teeny, tiny shadows of a wrinkle beginning to form under my eye.

Corbin says I’m being paranoid, and I agree with that statement – no one else can tell except me, I still look much younger than I really am. I have good genes and take care of my skin. It’s such a small thing.

It’s a sign, though, that the inevitable is happening. I am aging. Why am I surprised at this? After all, I’ve aged to my late twenties now. I have lived the transformation of child to teen to adult. What makes this transition weird or frightening?

I’ve aways said I want to age gracefully, to be shining with joy inside and out, never obsess over gray hair or crinkles and be beautiful in spirit even as my outward shell fades away. I’ve always told myself that I’m going to be fiercely committed to embracing my age

“I have forgot much, Cynara! Gone with the wind…”Kaitlyn2023-07-03T18:33:53+00:00

marriage is cleaning the stove

Corbin semi-coerced me into watching Twilight with him today to poke fun at it together. It was so cringy, the CGI was so bad, I had to walk out of the room. Apart from the bad acting and unbelievability of it all, I was also annoyed with how sappy and, well, perfect, the romance is portrayed between Edward and Bella. Like, have the directors ever seen a real dating relationship before? (“No one even talks like that,” Corbin pointed out laughing.)

Because that’s not what true love is or looks like. Marriage, especially. Marriage is a commitment, a decision to sacrifice and love even when you don’t feel like it, or when the other person isn’t beautiful or always there or perfect. Marriage is

cleaning the stove on a Wednesday night; doing laundry for the 9000th time; sharing toothpaste; sitting in silence on the couch doing two separate things; having a domestic about

marriage is cleaning the stoveKaitlyn2021-09-02T01:41:15+00:00

To all the boys who haven’t yet loved

Like many who love a good relationship drama, I adored watching Netflix’s To All The Boys I Loved Before. Armed with snacks and my best friend, I indulged in the sweet and quirky tale of high school romance between Lara Jean and Peter complete with a bubblegum color palette, fun music, and loveable supporting characters. I couldn’t wait for the sequel, and then, finally, the final chapter in this story which came out a few months ago right around Valentine’s Day.

It’s senior year, and Lara Jean is in a tough position. She didn’t get accepted into Stanford, her dream school that she and Peter had planned on both attending together, and now she has to figure out what to do. Attend college across the country at NYU, or choose a “safe” option and a college closer to home (and Stanford, and Peter). The ending of the movie was slightly predictable, but

To all the boys who haven’t yet lovedKaitlyn2021-05-23T00:03:19+00:00

valleys of shadow

It’s a quiet day at the desk here. I’m minding the phones but my mind is in a faraway place, pondering great human suffering and the broken, dismal bleakness of our world. I made the mistake this morning of reading a book I found in a pile our receptionist left behind. It is a fiction-ish narrative about a Holocaust survivor and I knew that it would be dangerous, one of those can’t-put-it-down novels that will leave me thinking down a hole and feeling heavy sadness for a while.

My heart shuts down at the brutality of human beings and the atrocious horrors experienced by real people in real time, fellow image-bearers who all had names and faces and favorite colors and loves and special talents and unique laughter. All I can say is, “Lord…?” There really aren’t words for such things.

In the darkest events of human history, it’s easy to shove

valleys of shadowKaitlyn2020-08-17T15:20:44+00:00

Dear Graduating Senior

My alma mater asked its grads to write a note of encouragement for all the graduating seniors this year, whose semesters were cut short by COVID-19. Below is what I sent – something pertinent, I think, to everyone who feels loss in this season of the coronavirus.

***

Dear Graduating Senior,

My heart is grieving with you during this bizarre, sad time. So many things that you were looking forward to and anticipating have suddenly been taken away due to circumstances you never could’ve imagined. I lament with you that you didn’t really get to say goodbye to your friends, people you’ve been walking through life with in an incredibly special way for the past years who have sharpened you and influenced you to love Jesus, who have been with you as you’ve wrestled and wondered, and now you won’t get to walk across that stage together and have a celebratory finale to

Dear Graduating SeniorKaitlyn2020-04-03T03:36:50+00:00

Jacob and the Ladder

How many people does it take to tell you something and actually believe it is true?

To tell you that the objective of life is not to just escape through with the least amount of scars, and to bemoan the ones you carry?

To tell you that you are beautiful, a treasure, worth a suffering and a sacrifice?

To tell you that your sins and flaws and edges and grotesque deformities don’t negate unconditional love from your Father in heaven?

Wrestling with the truth leaves you tired. I’ve been mulling over all these things, which have come to light this semester as I’ve been reading and writing and contemplating my life and post-Year-4 existence. I’ve been studying Ruth and Hosea and Genesis and 1 Samuel and realizing the same God who was there in the beginning has always been relational and has always mourned the disobedience of his people.

I have read examples over and

Jacob and the LadderKaitlyn2016-10-24T03:37:56+00:00

Kitchen Table and Expectations

I’m sitting at the breakfast bar in my parents’ kitchen. It’s 9:30pm and I’m knocking back coconut chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven, courtesy of my mom and her practical love.

I’m thinking about a lot of things. Tomorrow I leave the Northwoods after a short stint home to begin: Year 4. I feel so funny about starting my last year at Bible College in the big city when three years ago, freshmen orientation was happening and I was scared to walk down the street by myself. In my head it’s only been about a week and maybe five minutes.

This summer, I completed an internship serving in suburbia with a local church’s women’s ministry. I have written a paper encapsulating my current philosophy of ministry to women, studied the Word immensely, took ownership of my retirement account, and upgraded my solo-highway-driving skills. I have struggled with anxieties, calling, future,

Kitchen Table and ExpectationsKaitlyn2016-08-20T05:02:45+00:00

Formica Counter-ing Culture

“Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.” -King Solomon. Prov 4:23.

I grew up in the mid-2000s, hyper-purity youth group culture of Christianity. Youth group emphasized saving yourself for marriage, dating was implied to be bad, and everyone was always wondering whether or not you “liked” a guy because you talked to him for more than eight seconds. I remember specifically attending a conference on relationships as a teenager where the entire emphasis was, literally, about keeping your pants on. They were selling checkered suspenders in the lobby.

And then I went to Bible College.

Cue confusion over courtship, paranoia about sneak-attack coffee dates (“Is is a date? Does he like me? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN”), and engagements left and right. It’s a strange arena to attempt navigation, and the Starbucks counter down the street has witnessed many a DTR

Formica Counter-ing CultureKaitlyn2016-05-30T20:26:15+00:00

The Heart Pumper

Oftentimes, I feel like there is nothing more to say.

What is the significance of “my contribution” to any of this world? Writing, thoughts, opinions, convictions, definitions, loves, hates?

What on earth do I have to offer? Hasn’t everything already been felt, expressed, acted on enough times?

I am a small woman attempting to serve her Maker. I have been given gifts and circumstances, but everything I am doing is because of God working through me. It is a humbling gestalt to realize that, despite my abilities to create, illumine, influence humans, do a good work here or there–I am incapable of doing anything outside of God, who gives me a breath and a heartbeat, a breath and a heartbeat, but I am furthermore incapable of doing anything to please him unless he changes me and works goodness through me. Praise his name eternally, for he has, by the blood of his Son

The Heart PumperKaitlyn2019-10-08T02:29:19+00:00