internship midst – Thoughts from Blue Eyes

Please Get Me a Bigger Box

I’ve recently noticed that I have a natural aversion to things I cannot figure out, pin down, hammer out. It stresses me out if I cannot put something in a box; life is so complex, this obviously is not a problem I can avoid. I am learning more to lean into the complicated rather than shying away, as this is where so much growth happens, but it’s not my favorite. It’s an intentional, arduous mental process for me as such a strategic thinker.

Perhaps that’s why, in an ironic way, I love studying the Bible so much. It’s like an eternal treasure chest that I can’t figure out. Instead of the stress that clutches me when I cannot wade through the loud forum of Protestant evangelical grey areas (here’s my latest), conversations about yet another thing the church should be doing, and arguments about race without a frustrated headache, I rejoice.

Please Get Me a Bigger BoxKaitlyn2016-07-28T03:32:47+00:00

Please Rescue Me from my Mind Palace

The black hole of my mind.

I can spend hours pondering my future, internalizing anxiety and trying to over-analyze my heart’s current state. I can become absorbed in replaying memories, following threads into tomorrow, running and racing and lying awake. I mope over my lack of Christian growth and how I’ll never be good enough to xyz. Everyone is always better, more equipped, more focused. I could never write anything worth reading, have a grip solid enough on the Scriptures, know enough to have a ministry job…

My mental energy is often wasted navel-gazing at my own self. I have wept often and begged God to help me overcome my anxious, over-stimulated mind that runs until it’s exhausted. Where is the peace that passes all understanding? Where is God in my anxiety? Why does my mind have to do this to me, preventing me from enjoying seasons and moments too many times?

Why can’t I just

Please Rescue Me from my Mind PalaceKaitlyn2016-07-25T02:41:19+00:00

A Snicket in Time

Motto for the summer, courtesy of a fictional children’s hero:

“Get scared later.”

I have been blessedly led to an internship in The Suburbs. I have been working with H the Women’s Ministry Director. I have been thrown into ministry and tested and humbled and busy with writing and loving my grandmother, aka my landlord for the summer, along with my Jesus-needing extended family and the aging neighbors down the street. I am being filmed every time I teach. I have been riding the train alone, driving down the scariest highway in the state, navigating a relationship, praying for my friends serving overseas, dealing with future and money.

I am being taught so much. It’s a one-in-a-lifetime opportunity, a summer of insanity that I couldn’t have imagined 9 months or a year or five years ago. It seems scary, and I joke about my mantra, but by the Spirit, I’ve been able to

A Snicket in TimeKaitlyn2019-10-08T02:29:18+00:00

Small Escalator to the Dungeon

Orlando.

Jane Doe, the survivor of the Stanford rape case.

I read their words today.

The world is broken, suffering, a slew of one-after-the-others. ISIS. Another Ebola outbreak. Another mass shooting at a high school. Another high-profile sexual assault case. Another child who dies of cancer.

I find myself sometimes, in the teeny tiny recesses of my heart, quietly asking God is the gospel is enough.

“Lord, is the Good News…is Jesus actually enough to heal and make right and restore?”

…

“Lord. Are you actually enough to fix all this?”

Doubt is real in the face of a groaning planet where humans are starting wars and destroying each others’ bodies or you find yourself waiting for “the phone call” that someone in your family has an incurable disease.

Doubt is real when you wonder if your grandma’s heart will ever soften towards the true Gospel and if Christians will ever act like Christians.

I heard a message on Romans

Small Escalator to the DungeonKaitlyn2016-06-13T22:42:37+00:00