It’s funny how one thing can suddenly change your entire attitude, and you don’t even know why.

Yesterday was wicked sweet–party in the campus plaza, comedy show with friends, pranking, being able to say I can longboard now, and late-night junk-food-filled conversations with brothers in the plaza until past curfew.

Today was honestly good. Church was great. Studying a little for finals was great. Calling my mom was great. Hanging out with friends and getting soaked to the skin while attempting to walk to BOGO at Chipotle was great. I loved it.

Then I got back. 

I don’t know, it was weird. All of sudden, I was delivering a burrito bowl to a friend at work and she goes, “Are you okay? Something’s up.” I was spacey, not really in it, drifting off in conversation. I felt…off a little bit, a little angsty. I blame it on that boy reappearing into my life, me losing five dollars I found today, and a missed cupcake opportunity from said boy. Why they must all carry messenger bags from Fossil and travel with friends that bake, I do not know.

I was watching “The Picture of Dorian Gray” and eating my leftover Chipotle when I took a break to mingle in emotional instability with a friend. We just told each other exactly how we were feeling, and it was messy and angry and chock-full of angst. I don’t know how all these weird emotions cluttered up my heart, and I was asking the Lord to help me, just pounding Jesus’s words about being the Bread of Life into my head. 

Jesus…it’s so hard to believe when I feel so restless and depressed. When bands from Alaska are chirping about foolproof plans and learning who you are, it can only cheer me up for so long. When food and fury and foolery doesn’t work, I sink into an even deeper pit of angst. Yes, Augustine said that famous line about finding rest in You, etc. etc. etc….but right here, right now, my emotional state leaves something to be desired.

Father, Lavoy and laughter can’t do anything; I confess my need for you. Spirit, fill me. Enough of this flesh and freak-out business. I. Need. You. To. Fill. Me. With. Your. Peace. 

Lift my eyes, Jesus, because I can’t anymore. I am so confused and lost without You. All my heart wants to do is pump out turmoil.